Disappointing, really.

Well, the new Robin Hood aired tonight, and it’s awful. Really, just bad.

Imagine Xena, Warrior Princess and then make it more low brow. I’m rather disappointed, as Robin Hood is a great, great story – that of a minor English nobleman ordered to the crusades who returns early to find that law and order have been perverted in the interests of lining the pockets of the bureaucrats that stay behind to levy taxes. It’s a classic story in every sense of the word, but in this case they got it seriously wrong. Why? Hmmm, where to start?

It’s massively historically inaccurate, although I’m aware that’s a somewhat pedantic criticism. I’m not a history buff, and have no problem with the story taking precedence over factual accuracy, but here it’s ridiculous. A story like this for an adult audience stands or falls on making the bits that are fantastical lean on the bits that aren’t. Our credibility should only be stretched a bit – not out the door and around the block.

Robin is a hair-gelled featherweight who is motivated by 21st century morals and standards. This is a pet hate of mine, as it undermines the character. Would a real minor noble from this time help his manservant dig a ditch? I don’t think so. Would he care if a peasant was hanged for stealing if the guy was guilty – yeah, right.

All the women are ridiculously good looking - something I’m normally quite in favour of – but here all seem to be wearing full makeup and bodice-bursting push up underwear, even while doing household chores. They are also all eager to jump into bed with the hero at the drop of the hat. All the men are cast from the 2006 male-model-with-designer-stubble catalogue and have no real characters. The dialogue is awful and Keith Allen as the Sheriff of Notingham is really not a patch on Alan Rickman’s (even if everything else about Costner’s Prince of Thieves sucked.) You get the picture.

I think the core of the problem is that I was misled by the cool trailer, which featured a growling and cruel guitar track. Coupled with some nice editing, it looked brooding and menacing, and I hoped they’d take the 1980s classic and run with it using modern effects and plotting. I guess I’m spoiled by Lost and Battlestar Galactica. What I got was Saturday matinee nonsense with nothing for the grown up. I suppose it was broadcast at 7pm on a Saturday, but you expect more from the BBC. The most telling thing of all was the small print at the end said ‘made in conjunction with BBC America.’ For shame!

US TV produces some fantastic broadcasting when it’s on form, but that’s not all that often. I won’t be watching – I have socks that need ironing on my Saturday nights in.